November 19, 2009

Eight Months Ago Today

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:48 am by jlp412

Eight months ago today, Trisha took her last breath. For reasons the rest of us will spend the rest of our lives trying to comprehend, eight months ago today, the cord connecting Trisha to the center of the earth was snipped in half, sending her flailing wildly into the atmosphere. Eight months ago today, Trisha went from being a friend whose impending journey I bragged about to anyone who would listen to a friend whose too-soon departure from the living made her unaccomplished journey a tragedy.

Eight months into mourning Trisha, I find her loss twisting its way into what should be milestones, new beginnings, moments of connection, and corrupting them somehow. Apathy is a scary, scary thing, and her death has made me – a person of too much energy and passion for my own good – a habitual user of apathy for a quick fix of explanation. Apathy can be, I’ve found, more consuming than pure grief, and much more debilitating.

Eight months into missing Trisha, I don’t feel any more at peace with her loss, and I don’t feel that time has dulled my longing for her. I have no guidebook, no compass, for this strange trip I’m on, and I don’t like that at every turn there seems to be a new feeling lurking on the sidelines, ready to throw itself at my feet and trip me as I try to gain my footing.

Eight months ago today, I learned what it feels like to cut yourself open and rip out your own heart. And now, eight months later, I am starting to learn what it feels like to pump its beat back again, and I am trying to find the courage to ask others to squeeze it sometimes when Apathy threatens to stop my hands from trying.

Eight months ago today, I shook my first to the horizon and screamed, to no one in particular, “Why?

Eight months later, I’m still waiting for an answer.

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