May 19, 2009

Two Months Ago Today

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:07 am by jlp412

2903_614528747325_2401231_36019646_1832817_n

Two months ago today, Trisha slid out through the crack between the sky and the earth like an envelope slips through a mail slot.

Two months ago today, a midnight call rattled my bones and pinned me against the wall and punched me in the gut, the chest, the face, until I was beaten senseless by it.

Two months ago today, my heart bled across phone lines as I talked through the night to sobbing friends, rocked by the same shock and stirred by the same sadness at the same hour.

Two months and one day ago today, my thoughts were their own and they didn’t stray far.

Two months and one day ago today, I was 24 and fearless.

Two and a half months ago today, I said goodbye to Trisha expecting to see her again in a year’s time, master’s degree in tow.

Two months ago today, I screamed an unrequited goodbye to no one, watching my bedside clock in disbelief as minutes and hours ticked on in a world freshly robbed of Trisha.

Two months and one day ago today, I didn’t see her but I knew she was there. Two months ago today, I didn’t see her but was told she is gone.

Two months. It’s been two months since Trisha died – two months isn’t even a whole quarter of school at NU, it isn’t even an entire summer vacation. Two months her heart’s been beatless and two months her voice has been silenced. Twenty-three years with her and two months without her and somehow the months seem to last longer.

Trisha’s death is like an anchor chained to my foot, and I drag it behind me when I go for a run and when I get coffee before work and when I meet a friend for happy hour. Sometimes the weight of it seems unbearable and I don’t know how I’ll find the strength to walk down the stairs out of my apartment and into the next day as it clunks down each stair behind me. Sometimes I feel like everyone I encounter stares at it and steps awkwardly over it and doesn’t know how to help make it lighter even though they want to. Other days I’m infuriated that no one seems to pay it any mind it at all. But somehow, as it trails on after me, skidding against the ground beneath it, I pull it along behind me, even if I’m in a hurry. I cannot move without it.

It’s been two months and it’s not any easier. Two months have gone by and there still aren’t any answers. I still can’t comfort her family. I still can’t shake her from my thoughts, where she flashes in and stays for moments on end each day. Two months of times without Trisha, two months of holes in my heart and grief in my bloodstream.

And yet, just as I wrote one month ago, it’s been two months and I’m still standing, still writing, still breathing. Two months and we’re still clinging to each other, still holding her above our heads as we travel through each day without her, moving ever toward her even though we don’t know where she is or how to get there.

Two months ago today, we lost Trisha to the horizon. And all we can do is watch the red-purples of the sunset and the yellow-pinks of the sunrise and try to find her there. And miss her.

Advertisements

2 Comments »

  1. Judit and Mahadev said,

    Dear Megha, we hear you in our hearts.

  2. […] their way out of me. Her death was still so new and so surreal. And on May 19, after it had been two months without Trisha, I felt incredulous, in denial her death was still so lasting, so real, and I felt a […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: